To my not so chronic illness

You were always there, decided who I was and who I'll be. You gave me security even though you were the one who made me unsafe. I don't want you to leave me but I know you have to. It doesn't make sense to me how I hate you but at the same time I can't imagine a life without you. I'm listening to sad love songs and think of you which is completely insane but it's how I feel at the moment. You are a part of me - a big part. And I can't help feeling like I'm loosing this part of myself and I don't know how to fill that void. I'm afraid of keeping you but I'm also afraid of loosing you. I don't know who I am without you. I don't even completely know who I am with you present. I have to make decisions because of you that nobody at my age should have to make. You never brought anything good yet I feel myself clinging to you as if you're my lifeline. I don't know what I'm doing. You were always there and soon, you won't be anymore. And I have no damn clue what that means for me. 
 

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