The perversely cruel truth about Nessie

The famous parascientist and druidic alchemist Aldhar Ibn Beju has discovered unbelievable things about the famous Loch Ness monster after decades of research. The secret of the gruesome creature that has terrorised the unfortunate lake since time immemorial, driving countless parapsychologists mad and making the coffers of the descendants of those rapacious Picts ring at last: the monster is a time-travelling dinosaur from the Jurassic period!

Through intense channelling with the residual energies of Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton and Hermes Trismegistos, the Wise Druid of Tingeltangel realised that a space-time anomaly exists in the murky depths of Loch Ness in the form of a tiny black hole whose entropic event horizon creates a wormhole across dilatic oceans of time to the White Jurassic and atomises Nazi dinosaurs from the Brown Jurassic. Thus the paradox can be proven by the unique world formula of the great meta-scientist Mumbonias Jumbonius, which that ascended grandmaster revealed to the valiant druid. This is the average dwelling time of a dinosaur, taking Beju's uncertainty principle into account:

(Δh^)⋅t=12(eπ+∫c + ∂S∂r dr)(Δh^)⋅t/2​1​(eπ+∫c + ​∂r∂S​dr)
 

As you can see, this is an ingeniously simple formula that explains everything to the truly knowledgeable beyond all simple-minded school wisdom! For there are things between heaven and earth that are not so easy for the limited human mind to comprehend.

Now the inquisitive acolyte of conspiracy science wonders which time-travelling dinosaur it might be? Without a doubt it is the terror of primeval seas, the Pliosaurus! This is proven beyond doubt by the testimony of Bob 'Moonshine' Bruce, a local resident who studied economics and life to excess in every pub for 50 miles. But read for yourself the recording from the pub of the 'hearty pouch-cutter' of our chief investigator J. Edgar Hoover:

„Thank you two for the ten pints! So, there I was, innocently walking along Loch Ness with my beloved terrier Beefy. Yes, and William Wallace was there too, I often eat at his place. So we're walking along and suddenly a hideous monster emerges from the loch! Really, it was a real beast. Terrified, I staggered into the damn Bill, who probably didn't see the creature. He should see an eye doctor! The mutt didn't make a sound either - very strange. So I took a huge swig from my canteen, which old Rob Roy always fills with a mix of homemade spirits.That's because the more I've had, the better I can think. Dude, the damn monster must have attacked me insidiously because I suddenly found myself on the ground. Must have been unconscious! Anyway, Wallace, the cowardly dog, had disappeared and all I found of Beefy was a bloody collar. But William's bowie knife was still lying around with a blood-soaked blade. I say: bloody strange! I had a theory and covered the 500 meters to Bill's hut in two hours! So there he was, too, looking somehow embarrassed. I say: a guilty conscience because of his cowardice! Anyway, he confirmed my theory after I explained it to him three times.
Namely that the primeval bastard ate Beefy, he attacked the monster with his knife and then cowardly fled. So then he invited me to dinner. Bill then said there would be chop-suey-doggydog and was somehow cheerful. It's funny where the guy got the meat from, he hadn't bought anything for at least a week and is always short of money. So that was it! Say, can someone remove the three pink elephants from the bar?"

So much for the statement of our quaint Highlander. There is no doubt that the aforementioned Pliosaurus was up to mischief here. The esoterically gifted druid of Tingeltangel also verified the nature of the lovingly named 'primeval bastard' through positive thought rays received from the archangel Methadon.

Of course, banal school scientists polemicize against this groundbreaking discovery out of envy, because for them what cannot be must not be. But after all, Galileo Galilei, Newton and Einstein, like Aldhar Ibn Beju, had to deal with a lot of unbelief and small-minded philistines whose modest intellectual abilities were unable to recognize the truth!

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